This Does Not Compute
by Possumfox
Summary: Two girls doing their chores stumble across a mysterious vase in their attic. After messing with it, they find themselves transported to a world far from theirs, and far from reality, but not an unfamiliar one. Real Life x Anime Crossover
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**

This is a story co-written by Possumfox (Rebecca Davis) and Ayune-chan (Kim Pheatt). Yes, we know we're hopeless idiots for writing this, but we don't care. This is a fan-fiction about _US_ and if you do not like that fact, please do not read, and most of all, do not complain. Go read something else, or write your own story.

We do not own any of the anime series or characters mentioned in this story. (In its entirety, not just this chapter. The exceptions are Becca and Kim. Those are ours, though I doubt anyone is going to steal them, and/or care.) So, please don't sue us. We're broke, you wouldn't get anything. lol

Most importantly, however: _Enjoy!_

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* * *

**"I can't believe your dad swindled me into helping you with your chores _again_." Becca clunked up the stairs to the attic behind Kim, carrying a broom, looking rather indignant.

"_You're _the one who agreed." Kim looked over her shoulder before opening the door and walking inside. "You didn't have to."

"_Oh, please_. You say that as if your dad really gave me a choice on the matter." Becca tossed the broom aside and kicked at a nearby cardboard box, losing her balance and falling over, dumping the box's contents onto the floorboards.

"Thanks. This place wasn't messy enough as is. We totally needed more to clean up." Kim glared down at Becca.

"Yeah, that's cool, I'm okay. Thanks for showing your concern." Becca pushed herself to her feet, brushed the dirt off her jeans, then examined her mess. "What _is_ all this crap, anyway?"

"Keepsakes from my grandparents, most likely." Kim took a few steps back over to where Becca stood to pull a tan coat off of the pile. "Like this coat that hasn't been worn since dinosaurs roamed the Earth."

"Is that London Fog?!" Becca snatched the coat out of Kim's hands, threw it over her shoulders, and began to examine herself like a little girl trying on a dress.

"Alright, _alright_. Don't be so grabby." Kim tried to look angry, but found herself quickly distracted. "What's _this_ doing up here? It's so pretty..."

"What is?" Becca looked back at Kim to see her picking up a gorgeous porcelain vase; Blue with purple veins, and what appeared to be gold filigree laid into it. "_Ooooh._.. What's in it? Ashes?"

"I dunno." Kim peeked into the vase, then quickly thrust it in front of her, holding it at arm's length. "_Oh. My. God. _That's _disgusting_!"

"What? _What_?" Becca grabbed the vase and looked into it. Inside was a milky white goop, almost metallic-looking, that seemed to churn on its own. It was unlike anything she had ever seen before. "_Ewwwww_... It's like robot cum..."

"Touch it!" Kim suggested eagerly.

"You're kidding, right?" Becca scoffed. "_You_ touch it."

"I found it."

"I knocked it out of the box."

"You're holding it already."

"It's your house."

"Fine, _don't_ touch it."

"I _won't_."

"_Damnit_! It worked for Bugs Bunny!" Kim looked around the attic & picked a piece of splintered wood off the floor. "We can use this."

The girls set the vase on the floor and both knelt beside it. Becca took the piece of wood from Kim and slowly lowered it into the vase. As soon as it made contact with the liquid, the liquid began to bubble, release steam, and absorb the color of the wood, turning from white to brown.

"What's going on?! _What did you do_?!" Kim yelled, causing Becca to drop the wood all the way in without thinking. A thick fog began pouring out of the vase, forcing the girls to scoot backwards to get away from it. They coughed as the fog rolled in front of their faces, and they noticed it getting thicker, and thicker until it was impossible to see through anymore, and before either of them really realized just what was going on, they both passed out on the floor.

* * *

**AC:** Okay, I realize it's a little short, as far as prologues go, but I believe it's short, sweet, and to the point. Plus, it looked a helluva lot longer on paper. I guess my handwriting is just huge. XD More to come soon, I promise. There's no way Kim is going to let me drop this project like I've dropped several others. *cough* Almost every story I've written that isn't a one-shot *cough*

So please, R&R, so I know how much you want more!


	2. Chapter 2

"You say you found her on the outskirts of town, and you have no idea who she is?"

"That's right."

"Well, everything seems fine. She probably just passed out from the heat, poor thing."

Becca opened her eyes slowly, not sure if she really wanted to be awake or not. She was lying in an uncomfortable bed in a dimly lit, but warm room. There was strange equipment on a table next to the bed, and she could see two men across the room talking. One wore glasses, and looked very professional. The other was tall, blonde, handsome, wore a red trenchcoat, and bore a striking resemblance to Vash the Stampede. She smirked about the thought, but told herself it was just coincidence.

"So, what do you suggest?" The blonde asked, looking over at where she was lying, pretending to still be asleep.

"What do you mean? There isn't anything I can do for her, especially with supplies the way they are right now. I suggest you wake her up and get her out of here. I have other patients I need to see." Becca assumed he was a doctor of some sort. Probably private practice, from the look of the room.

"And take her _where_?"

"Not my problem." The man smiled and walked to one of his bookshelves, his hands folded behind his back.

"_And you get paid for this_?" The blonde muttered under his breath and took a few steps toward Becca, kneeling by the bed to look at her. "She's barely old enough to be out on her own like that. It's dangerous for a young lady to be alone in the desert."

"Indeed. She's lucky that you found her, rather than someone with more... _improper desires_."

"That's enough. We don't need to talk about that." He reached down and brushed a strand of hair from her face with his fingertips, she opened her eyes to look at him. He met her gaze with a warm, but concerned smile. "Feeling okay?"

"Yeah... I suppose..." She spoke softly, her throat horribly dry, making her voice hoarse. "Where am I?" The blonde opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off.

"Memory loss isn't uncommon in these cases. She may seem out of sorts for a bit, but she'll straighten out." The doctor cut in, making the blonde throw him a slightly annoyed look. "She'll need to rest and drink lots of water."

"Do you remember where you came from?" The blonde asked, trying to ignore the doctor. "I've never seen you around here."

"Fairfield." Becca answered groggily. Both men looked at each other, obviously confused. It became clear to her that neither of them had ever heard of it before. "It's in California." More blank stares met her words.

"Perhaps we should find you a hotel." The blonde extended his hand to help her up. "It seems like you might be here for a while."

"_Fun_..."She muttered.

* * *

Kim awoke to a harsh sun beating down on her face. She could hear murmurs around her, but felt so hot and light-headed that she could only bring herself to roll her head to the side.

"Poke her again, I think she's alive." Kim groaned at hearing someone say this.

"Amanda, get your stupid friends out of my room!" She spoke without opening her eyes. An uproar of male laughter sounded from all around her.

"She's alive, all right."

"_Feisty_!" A man's rough hand cupped her chin, and she opened her eyes to look at who it belonged to. "Sorry, love, but this ain't your room."

* * *

"You might want to be careful about what you say around here." The blonde man warned Becca as he led her through the streets. "People around this town don't generally like crazy people running around spouting nonsense."

"It's _not_ nonsense!" Becca snapped. "What I said is true! My friend and I got dumped here... Wherever _here_ is, although it looks like Texas... and I need to find her so we can go home... somehow."

"Easy, there." The man chuckled. "You know, you're cute when you're angry."

"I'm glad you think so, but I wouldn't be so angry if you would just listen to a word I'm saying!" Becca was fuming at this point.

"I _am_ listening." The man said sternly, changing his tone and dropping his voice. "I'm just the only person here who will." Becca stopped for a moment as his words sunk in, then had to run to catch up with him.

"What kind of place is this, anyway?" She looked around at the quaint western-style town. "More importantly, where are you taking me? Isn't there a hotel closer to that doctor's office?"

"We're heading to _my_ hotel room. I doubt you have money for your own." The man turned a corner, and Becca tried to follow close behind, being careful not to step on the ends of his coat. "Or am I wrong?"

"_You're right_..." She grumbled. She hated other people looking out for her. She nearly had to jog to keep up with him, due to the difference in their heights, and his long strides. "So, what, are you a cosplayer here for an anime convention or something?"

"A _what_?" The man looked back at her, puzzled.

"_Ohhh_, I see." Becca nodded smugly, crossing her arms. "Staying in character. Good dedication. I admire that."

"No, really." The man stopped walking and turned to face her now, looking concerned. "What are you talking about?"

"Come on, you think I don't recognize your costume?" Becca was laughing now. She couldn't believe what a character she had run into.

"Is this how you talk to people where you're from?" He looked slightly offended. After all, these were his clothes she was insulting. "This isn't some costume. What do you think I am, a circus clown?"

"No, you're _Vash the stamp_-" The man clapped his hand over her mouth before she could finish her sentence, and all she could do was let out a muffled "_Hey_!" as he pulled her into an alleyway a few feet away.

"I don't know who you are, where you came from, or how you actually got here, and I certainly don't know how you know me..." His face had changed dramatically; much more serious now. He had her pressed against the wall, and his face was only a few inches from hers, to ensure that she was the only one that heard him. "But I'm asking you to please, _please,_ never call me that again. I don't need people around here to know who I am."

* * *

"What should we do with her?" A man held Kim's arms behind her back, as she knelt in the dirt, praying that she was dreaming, and was really _anywhere_ else.

"I suggest we just use her body and toss her." Another man piped up.

"Just leave her." A third man spoke, his voice much smoother and more mature-sounding than the others. "You don't know where she's been."

"_Awwww, but boss_..." A chorus of complaints filled the air from the handful of men that were gathered around.

"I don't want to hear it!" He snapped menacingly, looking around at each of them, shutting them all up. Kim glanced up to see what kind of man had this much power. He was tall, well-built, and Kim recognized his blue hair immediately. "You really think she'd do anything but get in the way?"

"I want to help!" Kim blurted out, then looked back down, scared and embarrassed. She didn't know what else to do.

"Oh, so you _can_ speak for yourself." The man motioned for her to be released, and walked over to her, circling her slowly, and scanning her with his eyes. "So, you think _you_ can help _me_? What is it you think I need to be helped with, _hm_? What can I possibly not handle by myself?"

"Y-you're... _Legato_, right?" It took all her effort to get the words out, for various reasons, fear being a big one. A few chuckles rose from the group around her, including some from the man himself.

"Impressive, you know who I am." He stepped in front of her, giving her a mocking smile. "I suppose you could be useful, _if I ever forget my own name_."

"I want to work for you!" She blurted again, digging her grave deeper. It was worth a shot, at least, in her opinion. The chuckles from around her grew into full-blown laughter, as Legato grabbed her by her hair and pulled her to her feet, not letting go.

"_Fine_." He narrowed his eyes, watching her struggle to look as if she wasn't in pain. "You have three days to prove your worth." He let go of her and let her drop back to her knees.

"And what if I fail?" She managed to get out as he turned from her and began walking away. The only response that met her ears was his laughter.

* * *

AN: Okay, I tried to make chapter two longer than the prologue. This chapter is over 2x as many words, so I think I did an okay job. XD


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